And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” Genesis 2:18
Origins of this Relationship
The Creator of the universe, as he was nearing the completion of his plan, created man as the crowning work of creation, and named him Adam. He brought before Adam all the living creatures, for him to name them. Adam completed this task faithfully, but in doing this task, he realised that there was no suitable companion for him; as every living creature was created in pairs, a male and female. He himself was not made to dwell in solitude, he too was to be a social being. Without companionship, the beautiful scenes and delightful employments of Eden, and even his relationship with God, would have failed to complete his happiness.
God himself caused Adam to sleep, and created from his own body, a woman, a companion. Adam realised that Eve was the solution to his loneliness, God’s creation who would complete him in every imaginable way. “And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Genesis 2:22, 23
Marriage was one of the first institutions ordained by the Creator Himself. “God celebrated the first marriage. Thus the institution has for its originator the Creator of the universe. “Marriage is honorable” (Hebrews 13:4); it was one of the first gifts of God to man, and it is one of the two institutions that, after the Fall, Adam brought with him beyond the gates of Paradise.” Patriarchs and Prophets p.46
The Purpose of the Relationship
As we saw in the story of the creation of man and woman, God’s purpose in instituting this relationship was to bless man on multiple levels. “When the divine principles are recognized and obeyed in this relation, marriage is a blessing; it guards the purity and happiness of the race, it provides for man’s social needs, it elevates the physical, the intellectual, and the moral nature.” Patriarchs and Prophets p.46
Purity and happiness
Today, we find so many unhappy relationships, so many unhappy people, so much domestic abuse, so many affairs, so many divorces and de facto relationships. Why? Because the purpose of this relationship, as ordained by God, has been forgotten.
According to Statista.com, the rate of divorce in 2019 in Switzerland was 43.3%, Germany was 37.7% and Austria was 35.4% per hundred marriages. The countries with the highest rates of divorce were Luxembourg with 88.9%, Portugal with 61.4%, and Finland, Spain, France, Sweden and Belgium with more than half of a hundred marriages ending in divorce. This is not counting the number of people who only lived in de facto relationships (a person who lives with someone in an intimate romantic relationship but is not married to that person), and ended them without any need of formal legal arrangements; hence they are not recorded in these statistics.
To look at this in another way, not counting Luxembourg which is the highest, this means that nearly every second marriage ends in divorce, depending on the country. This is surely not what God imagined for the happiness of mankind. Imagine the children of these relationships, when faced with the dilemma of choosing between father or mother, or having to accept a replacement parent, who is totally unrelated to them.
To guard the purity of this happiness, God commanded man that they should not commit adultery, preventing them from destroying the happiness given to them by their creator. (Exodus 20:14) “There is not a negative in that law, although it may appear thus. It is DO, and Live.” (1BC p.1105) God wants us to live. He created us to live eternally, in happy relationships.
There is, however, another study done in Germany over a period of 15 years, analysing the lives of 24,000 individuals, that found that most people who get married and stay married, report greater satisfaction with their lives, than their non-married peers. Another study analysed data from 286,059 people between October 2017 to September 2018, and found that married couples rated their life satisfaction 9.9% than those not married, and their happiness levels were 8.8% higher than those divorced or separated. They compared these finding to a similar survey conducted in 2011-2012, and found that marital status matters more in a person’s life satisfaction now, than economic status.
God never makes a mistake. When he said in the Garden of Eden, that it is not good that man should be alone, he knew that the happiness of mankind depends on this relationship.
Man’s social needs
When God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone;” he knew that He had created man as a social creature, and that he needed a companion, another living being similar to himself, to provide that social interaction he so much needed. After sin, this was even more essential.
Imagine you are left alone with your thoughts. There is no one to share your ideas with, your sadness, your happiness, your experiences, and your thoughts. This is why God foresaw that a suitable partner in life would fulfil this need. According to a Swedish proverb, “Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow”. Studies show that verbally expressing the gratitude we feel to people close to us helps increase and sustain our well-being above and beyond simply feeling or writing down gratitude. Charlotte Brontë observes “Happiness quite unshared can scarcely be called happiness; it has no taste.” And conversely, shared pain promotes a sense of social cohesion.
This relationship is about giving and helping each other, when each member is acting their part, according to God’s design. “(God) made provision also for their social needs, for the kindly and helpful associations that do so much to cultivate sympathy and to brighten and sweeten life.” Adventist Home p.455
Elevate the physical, intellectual and moral nature
Men and women are different in their emotional makeup. Each character type is designed to complement and elevate the other. When used rightly, a husband or wife’s influence upon each other can be very powerful. “When the wife yields her body and mind to the control of her husband, being passive to his will in all things, sacrificing her conscience, her dignity, and even her identity, she loses the opportunity of exerting that mighty influence for good which she should possess to elevate her husband. She could soften his stern nature, and her sanctifying influence could be exerted in a manner to refine and purify…” Adventist Home p.127
Basis of Good Relationships
Finding the right partner is the first step in establishing a good relationship. If you are not married, the immediate question arises, “How do I find the right partner, that is approved by God?” Often marriages fail because the partners fall in love with the appearance of an individual, or with a romanticised idea of that person (prince on a white horse or a beautiful princess). While God created us to appreciate beauty and strength, the outward appearance does not necessarily equal inner beauty. Good character is acquired by submission to God’s will, and learning from life experiences. When choosing a partner, each individual, before falling in love with the outward beauty, should study the character of the person they consider uniting their life with.
In the Bible we have the story of Abraham, who appointed his God-fearing servant Eliezer, to search for a wife for his much-loved son Isaac. The Bible also tells us that Eliezer realised the gravity of this task and sought God’s guidance to lead him to the right person. (Genesis 24:12-14) He did not make the choice based on his own wisdom, or by looking at the outward beauty or wealth, but relied upon God fully to show him the woman chosen as a wife for Isaac. In no way are we suggesting that physical attraction should not be a part of this process. But it should not be the first or most important factor, nor should it blind or cover a multitude of other issues, that later on bring sadness and heartache.
At an age where it was suitable for me to look for a wife, I also began to look at persons that were attractive to my eyes. Soon I realised that these relationships did not have the correct foundation. But when I started praying for ‘a suitable helpmeet’, God brought me into contact with someone on the other side of the world, who I was not able to see or meet with for nearly a year. This prevented me from falling in love prematurely with the outward appearance. This gave me also the blessing of getting to know, and falling in love, with the character of the person. For nearly a year, we had the chance to analyse and prayerfully consider how our characters complemented each other. Our frequent correspondence via email (no videos or phone calls), for a period of almost a year, gave us a solid foundation for a relationship. When we finally did have the chance to meet, there was the attraction, there was the ‘falling in love’ but with the full picture of each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Two weeks after meeting each other for the first time, we were engaged, and the second time we met each other, we got married. Now, after 15 years of marriage, we can both confidently confirm that our marriage to each other was a blessing from God.
When you listen to the voice of God, in choosing your partner, you can be sure that God will provide you with a partner, in whom your love will be complete. Psalm 84:11 tells us that “no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.” “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing,
and obtaineth favour of the LORD.” Proverbs 18:22 The life that you can create, with the person God has given, can be a little heaven on earth. “The sweetest type of heaven is a home where the Spirit of the Lord presides. If the will of God is fulfilled, the husband and wife will respect each other and cultivate love and confidence.” AH 15.4
When you thus truly love someone, it is easy to choose to put the other person before yourself. “Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Things that cause failure
Relationships fail for many reasons, and often from a combination of reasons. These are some of the most common reasons for failed marriages:
- Communication breakdown – when couples stop communicating, or neglect to communicate, each partner is imagining the intentions of the other, and many times this is in a negative light. And the imagination may be way off track, but there is no way to know this without communication. Let’s say, a couple is attending an event, where both their friends are in attendance. The husband is having a good time with some of his friends, but the wife is getting upset. She imagines that he is ignoring her, and leaving her alone. The husband is thinking, that by allowing her time free from his presence, allows her to spend time with her friends. At the end of the evening, both are upset with each other, because they did not talk about how each one is feeling about their decisions before hand. The wife is upset because she was ‘ignored’, and the husband is upset because she doesn’t appreciate that he gave her time with her friends.
- Infidelity – when couples neglect to pay all their attention to each other, neglect to communicate about their differences (if any) with each other and allow it to bottle up, they open the door to another huge problem. The emotional need to communicate is then directed to a third party, and often this is a person of the opposite sex. The emotional connection that is created when a marital problem is shared with another person, deepens the connection between them, leading to an emotional affair, which can in turn become a physical affair.
- Abuse – comes in different shapes and forms.
- Emotional abuse – belittling your partner, making them feel useless. Using their emotional state for your advantage, criticising, invalidating, embarrassing, shaming, blaming or otherwise manipulating your partner. This can be done with abusive words, bullying behaviour, and unrealistic expectations
- Blackmail – manipulating and controlling your partner by making them feel guilty; humiliating them in public or private; using their fears, values, and compassion, to control him or her; exaggerating their flaws; or punishing them by withholding affection or giving them the silent treatment.
- Physical abuse – this is the lowest level that a person can stoop to. When a person intentionally causes injury or trauma to their partner by way of bodily contact, or by withholding life essentials such as food, water, and cleanliness.
- Spiritual abuse – Spiritual abuse occurs when an oppressor establishes control and domination by using Scripture, doctrine or his “leadership role” as a weapon. This form of abuse can be subtle, because it can mask itself as religious practice. When a spiritual abuser twists Scripture and uses it to attack, his abuse can feel as though it comes from God himself. Even though he is taking Scripture out of context, distorting it and weaponizing it, the oppressor is using God’s words — so it can seem as if God is the one doing the shaming. Spiritual abuse is a close cousin to emotional abuse, except it’s more profoundly wounding as it often leaves victims isolated from God. God never condones the control of another persons conscience. The Holy Spirit is the only one that guides the spiritual growth and wellbeing of another person.
- Substance abuse – speaks for itself. Using drugs, alcohol, or any mind-altering substance, may lead to all of the other abuses mentioned above.
- Physical/emotional neglect – this is a subject that is rarely discussed, even by psychologists, and most people would not recognise it as a problem. Neglect is a lack of action, a persons failure to respond adequately to his or her partners needs. As modern couples get busy with their careers, often emotional or physical neglect is the cause of marriage breakdown.
- Mistrust – when the actions of a partner show elements of deceit, it is easy to mistrust. Even if the intentions were good, opening the door to doubt, will generate mistrust. And each instance of ‘possible’ deceit, leads to stronger feelings of mistrust, slowly eating away at the foundation of the marriage, until it crumbles.
- Selfishness – all the above forms of abuse, and infidelity, are forms of selfishness. When a person is considering his or her wellbeing above the wellbeing of the other person, and acts on that, they are displaying strong traits of selfishness.
- Unrealistic expectations – can happen in so many ways. When you imagine something that your partner should be like, and expect them to be that, you are setting yourself up for disappointment, and your partner for failure. Sometimes our expectations can be met, and sometimes they cannot. We should accept that the person we married is the way they are, and not force them to be something that they are not. Marrying someone with the thought of changing them to your taste or opinion, is an expectation that you should never start with. When you treat your partner with respect and love, and learn from each other, you both will change over time, for the better of the relationship. But forced change will only anger and alienate your partner.
Maintaining this relationship
“Love is a plant of heavenly growth, and it must be fostered and nourished. Affectionate hearts, truthful, loving words, will make happy families and exert an elevating influence upon all who come within the sphere of their influence.”
“Love is a precious gift, which we receive from Jesus. Pure and holy affection is not a feeling, but a principle. Those who are actuated by true love are neither unreasonable nor blind.”
“True love is not a strong, fiery, impetuous passion. On the contrary, it is calm and deep in its nature. It looks beyond mere externals, and is attracted by qualities alone. It is wise and discriminating, and its devotion is real and abiding.”
“Love, lifted out of the realm of passion and impulse, becomes spiritualized, and is revealed in words and acts. A Christian must have a sanctified tenderness and love in which there is no impatience or fretfulness; the rude, harsh manners must be softened by the grace of Christ.” Adventist Home p.50, 51
Marriages often fail because the spark is allowed to die. But kind and tender words, affectionate attentions, respect, and thoughtful actions, are ways to maintain and grow this spark, or plant.
It is worth, from time to time, to evaluate your relationship, to analyse the strength of it, and see if you have done everything you can to improve and build up your love for each other. Ask God to show you what more you can do. Invite him in to this relationship, as “a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:12
From whom do we first experience love? On whose face do we see the first smile? In our next article we will discuss the relationship between parents and children.